Thursday, April 28, 2005

I have alot to say as this will be my last entry until we return from Washington D.C. Yesterday, Patty our Chapter Manager called me and filled me in on the last minute schedule things that we needed to know. She put me at ease somewhat knowing that she will be there by our side when we go to the Capitol. We will have very little leisure time and lots of workshops to prepare for our congressional meets. The highlight will be Tracy Lawrence will be performing at the Candlelight Vigil on Monday night. Tuesday morning we will be having breakfast with Senator Kit Bond and then prepare for our meets with Senator Talent, Blunt and Skelton. Then we will have a briefing that night and be on our own to start our vacation before our return home. Preparing for this the last couple of days has caused so much fog and numbness feeling in my head. Its all apart of the stress. But we will get there and we will give'm HELL! Then our work will be least for now.
Now, I want to say someting that I have never said before. People with Alzheimers or dementia do have stress. We may not have the same as our carepartners, but we deal with other things such as how we are constantly keeping them in shambles becasue they don't know what to expect next. I have fought this disease long and hard for at least 3 years and each day of struggle was for a reason, my husband and son. They need me here, they need me in their life. But I set back and I really think when I see my husband struggling with his anger and his fears and most of all lonliness that he has no one to help him with me, no one to give him a break, no one to talk to and it is breaking my heart that knowing my existence with this disease is causing him all of this. So funny, people say when you need something or if I can do anything just let me know. Strange this is when you reach out to them something suddenly comes up and you never hear from them again. It must be great to be able to walk away and never have to look back and carry on with your life. Guess they were only trying to impress themselves and appear to be something they are not. Everyday it is getting harder becasue the short term memory is becoming shorter. Inside I want to scream to the Heavenly Father please take me, take me now and give my family peace. They have suffered enough, why should they have to suffer watching me to continue to deterierate day by day. I use to think there was a lesson in this, but I am now thinking that I have met my goals and fulfilled my purpose. What's after Washington? I ask for nothing more, just to get through each day and cause as little stress to my husband as possible. Only the Good Lord knows what he has in store for us, I truly hope he gives us a break. Don't get me wrong, I think that reaching out as I have been is what has kept me so strong as I have been, but I think that I am ready for a rest both physically and mentally. I will enjoy and embrace the time that we have away and then when we come back, we will start on a new day again.
Take care and God Bless! Tracy


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