Thursday, April 28, 2005

I have alot to say as this will be my last entry until we return from Washington D.C. Yesterday, Patty our Chapter Manager called me and filled me in on the last minute schedule things that we needed to know. She put me at ease somewhat knowing that she will be there by our side when we go to the Capitol. We will have very little leisure time and lots of workshops to prepare for our congressional meets. The highlight will be Tracy Lawrence will be performing at the Candlelight Vigil on Monday night. Tuesday morning we will be having breakfast with Senator Kit Bond and then prepare for our meets with Senator Talent, Blunt and Skelton. Then we will have a briefing that night and be on our own to start our vacation before our return home. Preparing for this the last couple of days has caused so much fog and numbness feeling in my head. Its all apart of the stress. But we will get there and we will give'm HELL! Then our work will be done...............at least for now.
Now, I want to say someting that I have never said before. People with Alzheimers or dementia do have stress. We may not have the same as our carepartners, but we deal with other things such as how we are constantly keeping them in shambles becasue they don't know what to expect next. I have fought this disease long and hard for at least 3 years and each day of struggle was for a reason, my husband and son. They need me here, they need me in their life. But I set back and I really think when I see my husband struggling with his anger and his fears and most of all lonliness that he has no one to help him with me, no one to give him a break, no one to talk to and it is breaking my heart that knowing my existence with this disease is causing him all of this. So funny, people say when you need something or if I can do anything just let me know. Strange this is when you reach out to them something suddenly comes up and you never hear from them again. It must be great to be able to walk away and never have to look back and carry on with your life. Guess they were only trying to impress themselves and appear to be something they are not. Everyday it is getting harder becasue the short term memory is becoming shorter. Inside I want to scream to the Heavenly Father please take me, take me now and give my family peace. They have suffered enough, why should they have to suffer watching me to continue to deterierate day by day. I use to think there was a lesson in this, but I am now thinking that I have met my goals and fulfilled my purpose. What's after Washington? I ask for nothing more, just to get through each day and cause as little stress to my husband as possible. Only the Good Lord knows what he has in store for us, I truly hope he gives us a break. Don't get me wrong, I think that reaching out as I have been is what has kept me so strong as I have been, but I think that I am ready for a rest both physically and mentally. I will enjoy and embrace the time that we have away and then when we come back, we will start on a new day again.
Take care and God Bless! Tracy

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Today started off to be a good day and then I started getting things packed for Washington and it quickly turned into a foggy day. I tried to use the phone and it wouldn't work so I went to Hannah's in Elkland to call him and let him know everyting was okay. I didn't want him to worry becasue he couldn't get through. Got home and the phones were working again.........just my luck! I called the Chapter and talked to Angel about the Safe Return program and they are going to get me registered for that. Thought I already was and couldn't remember........LOL! Barb our neighbor came down to talk to me becasue they were talking about Safe Return in the paper. The next couple of days will be pretty busy getting ready for the trip. Austin is SO excited!This is his first flight. I hope they still give out wings to the kids.
Take care and God Bless! Tracy

Friday, April 22, 2005

Well, I think I have some catching up to do here as it has been alittle longer than usual. I have been fighting with poison ivy all week. I hope I get in dried up before we get to Washington. I can just see me setting there looking like an alien! Oh, my gosh! We were busy today getting last minute things that we need for the trip, lots of batteries and tapes and stuff. Another great honor this week. I was contacted by another Freelance writer to be published in Family Circle or Ladies Home Journal. Either one of them is very respectable. I will write when I know more about that. Allen and I had a discussion tonight about how it is so hard for him to understand how this disease can appear and take me so quickly. I call it the "blinking light syndrome", sometimes I'm there and sometimes I'm not. There is no easy answer to dealing with this disease. It just plain sucks no matter what side you are on. Tomorrow is out Chapter Support Group, I always look forward to going to these and realizing that I am lucky to be doing better than some others at this point. The group is a special bond of freindships on its own.
Take care and God Bless! Tracy

Monday, April 18, 2005

Thought that I would post early this morning as I have alot of plans for the day.
I have a very itchy surprise..................I woke up to poison ivy. I hope I can get it cleared up pretty quick. Today, I need to straighten up and clean the house abit and then I would like to tidy up outside some more. Trim around my flower gardens and trim up my landscape a little bit. Should be another beautiful day!
Take care and Love Always! Tracy

Sunday, April 17, 2005

We really had a great weekend! Saturday was Marshfield's city wide yard sale, so we went to that and found a few bargains. Allen found a go-cart, the guy was asking $100.00 and let it go for $50.00, it needs a little work. It is a Dad and Son project. I found a few things like lawn edging that I need for my rock garden. Then we stopped at the park and had a picnic and I played with Austin and pushed him on the swings. Then we came home and had a good evening, just family time. We need more of that. Today, I was pretty busy trying to level up my rock garden. Not an easy think to do................I tire so easy. I finally got to a point where Allen could finish with the tractor and I planted some flowers. Then Austin and I, played scrabble and spent the afternoon watching cartoons.
I am pretty tired so I guess this is all for now.
Take care and Love Always, Tracy

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Second entry for today. The last couple of days have been rough as it is all apart of this hellish disease, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier. When Allen found out I wanted to quit my meds he was very upset and called a good friend Judee. She was our OutReach Coordinator at the Chapter and in my mind still is. Anyway, she talked with me and thank God she understands the disease process, she was able to explain the rationale difficulty to Allen as it is a part of the disease that is affecting that part of the brain where your thoughts and emotions come together. We sat and had lunch with her and talked, I am glad that she was and is there for us. She is heaven sent I am sure. After we left there we went to walmart and I got a couple of bracelets......that brought a smile to my face. Then we came home and Allen helped me fix supper, we had fried catfish, salad and corn on the cob, Austin's favorite. Tomorrow will be better, that is what I have to hang on to.
Take care and Love Always! Tracy

Second entry for today. The last couple of days have been rough as it is all apart of this hellish disease, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier. When Allen found out I wanted to quit my meds he was very upset and called a good friend Judee. She was our OutReach Coordinator at the Chapter and in my mind still is. Anyway, she talked with me and thank God she understands the disease process, she was able to explain the rationale difficulty to Allen as it is a part of the disease that is affecting that part of the brain where your thoughts and emotions come together. We sat and had lunch with her and talked, I am glad that she was and is there for us. She is heaven sent I am sure. After we left there we went to walmart and I got a couple of bracelets......that brought a smile to my face. Then we came home and Allen helped me fix supper, we had fried catfish, salad and corn on the cob, Austin's favorite. Tomorrow will be better, that is what I have to hang on to.
Take care and Love Always! Tracy

We had a good day Sunday it was beautiful out! Austin and I went fishing up at the pond. He caught a nice bass right off that bat. I caught a couple of perch and saw the first snake for the year. ugh! I hate snakes! I kept hearing this rustling in the leaves behind me and I looked to my left and there crawled a big black colored snake with a white colored belly about 2 foot long. I could see his tongue, that was WAY to close. As soon as he changed direction, I moved away to the other side of the pond. After that, we went home and played croquet and watched the movie, Fat Albert. It was a good day. I have caught the same crud that Allen has, but I am still kicking. I am going through another crisis..........I want to quit my meds. I am so tired of what this disease does that you have no control over. All the meds do is prolong the disease, why do that? I thought that I used to understand all of that, but now the more that I think about it, it makes no sense. I am tired of not being the same person that I once was. This dark, invisible stranger has taken so much from us, including me. I will fight for as long as I can, I just don't want the meds anymore.
Take care and Love Always, Tracy

Sunday, April 10, 2005

The last couple of days have been beautiful! I think it is suppose to rain today though. Allen has been off all week with a virus which he has kindly given to me as well. The excitement for this week was me getting some papers mixed up and shredding them and one of them was Austin's history paper on Lewis and Clark. So, I had to send a note to the teacher explaining that the guines pigs were now reading history. She was understanding and let him do it over. Last night was my interview as a guest on Coping With Caregiving with Jacqueline Marcell. The show was an hour late due to an accident in front of the station and knocking all the power lines down. The show went on at 6pm Central and she was so easy to talk to. She made me feel very relaxed and we flowed right through it. If you get a chance visit her site: www.wsradio.com/copingwithcaregiving/ Dementia Rescue is really growing as well more than I ever dreamed it would: www.groups.yahoo.com/group/dementiarescue
I guess this is all for now!
Take care and God Bless!

Love Always, Tracy

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

The last couple of days have been really busy. Allen is sick with a sinus infection, he went to the doctor yesterday and got antibiotics. I got our cups mixed up in the car and drank after him so now I am keeping my fingers crossed that I don't get it. I interviewed at the hospital for volunteering and Stephanie the Manager was really nice and experienced as her Mom has Alzheimer's as well. The interview went great and I may be working in Judee's office, that would be really great! I got an e-mail from Jacqueline Marcell the Author of Elder Rage and I responded and spoke with her on the phone. I will be a guest on her show Coping With Caregiving on wsRadio: www.wsradio.com/copingwithcaregiving/
If you get a chance tune in, it will be aired on Saturday evening April 9th at 5pm Central time. I contacted my Chapter and they sent it out to all of their other Associations they are with. Oklahoma was notified also and will pass it on throughout their district. If you miss it, it will appear in the archives. Today, I had Orientation at the hospital for volunteering, it was so strange but yet very comfortable. They just had on the news at: www.KOLR10.com that there is a new drug in trial phase for stopping Alzheimer's in its tracks. It is called Xaliproden..............maybe there still is time!
Take care and God Bless!

Love Always, Tracy

Monday, April 04, 2005

We had a really good weekend! I got my flower gardens all landscaped and now I can sit back and watch'em grow or so I hope so. I put my tomato plants outside and killed them. I thought alittle sun would do them good, guess they weren't ready. No more starter seeds, I'll buy them ready to put in the ground next time. The passing of the Pope came as sad news on Saturday. I'm not Catholic, but it is still came a great loss becasue of what he represented. I found myself trying to explain to my 10 year old what it was all about and heck I can't even figure it out as far as their Papacy chain and such. Anyway, may he rest in peace! Sunday was a play day for us. We got up early and went fishing and got a few nibbles, but it's a good thing we weren't planning on fish for supper. We would have been stuck with shucking berries from a bush. It was fun anyway and then we just relaxed. This time change is really messing with me, by the time I get it figured out, it will be time to change again. Dementia Rescue is started another growth spurt again..........104 and growing. I wish I knew what else to do to make it more appealing. Oh well, in time I guess.
Take care and God Bless!

Love Always, Tracy

Friday, April 01, 2005

Today was a good day. Allen and I went to Lebanon and he is getting stuff ready for his knife booth and other miscellansous stuff that he has collected over the years. I found a beautiful and cheap lighthouse suncatcher to hang in my kitchen window. We stopped and had breakfast and then came home. It rained most of the morning while we were gone. After we got back, I went up to Mom's house and helped her with cleaning some junk out of her old house for a yard sale. I told her she should just stick a sign up FREE! I talked to Judee yesterday, I thnk she put a good word in for me volunteering at the hospital. Stephanie who I guess is the director of volunteers said they have several volunteers with EOAD. So, I guess we will all get lost together!!! Don't know what I will be doing there yet, but I think it will be good for both Allen and me. He can do his antiquing on the day that I'm at the hospital. Austin has had fun with April Fool's today, he has gotten me several times. Well it is about time for lights out.
Take care and God Bless!

Love Always, Tracy